Too Bad! My Adventure Ends Here! Episode 1: Dead Men Tell No Tales
The people of old once said: “Dead men tell no tales.”
How ironic—and yet how bluntly truthful.
Proverbs are fascinating that way. They’re all delightfully worded, a perfect cocktail of irony, dark humor, and undeniable truth. Whoever came up with them must’ve been a genius.
By the way, my name is Shinin Kuchinashi. I’m 28 years old, and just a moment ago, I died of a heart attack. Not exactly a nice guy, I suppose.
You might be thinking, “Wait, if you're dead, how are you talking right now?” Yeah. I’m wondering the same thing.
I did die of a heart attack. That much is certain.
This isn’t a dream or delusion. It was real—unmistakably real. I clearly remember the crushing pain in my chest, the way my vision faded as I collapsed. Maybe someone wrote my name in a Death Note or something.
And yet, here I am. Conscious. Eyes wide open. Talking up a storm like nothing happened.
If this is some kind of final death-dream flashback montage, then my awareness is way too sharp for it.
As I was thinking that, a radiant goddess appeared before me.
How did I know she was a goddess? Easy—she was wearing a sash that said “I’m a Goddess.”
“Welcome, lost virgin soul. I am the goddess of love and beauty. Oh, what a pitiful way to die.”
“I’ve got zero yen on me—can’t even pay half the fee. Any chance of resurrection?”
“Nope.”
Classic. Everyone probably had the same thought. I sure did.
You’re free to roll your eyes and say “This pattern again?” or laugh and go “Yup, the usual.” That’s the freedom of fiction.
This is that cliché—The Godly Reincarnation Intro.
Back in the day, this setup was a barely-known trope in underground fanfic communities online. A simple, predictable formula: the protagonist dies for some reason, a god or angel shows up, and grants them reincarnation in another world. A lovely package full of dreams, wish fulfillment, and escapism.
Now? It's everywhere in light novels. Not so niche anymore—it’s a dime-a-dozen opening.
Other worlds are overflowing with Japanese people. Reincarnation is happening at such a pace, it’s probably outpacing the native population over there.
You could grab a random light novel off the shelf, skim the first few pages, and there’s a good chance you’ll find a reincarnation story. That’s how common it is now.
And usually, in these stories, the god admits they killed the person by mistake—and grants them cheat powers as an apology. It’s practically a package deal.
So… was I killed by mistake, too?
“No, yours was just fate.”
Goddamn it. Apparently, dying at 28 was my destiny.
“So... am I being reincarnated into another world now?”
“I appreciate how that saves me the trouble of explaining.”
Anyone who reads light novels or web novels has probably seen this setup too many times to count.
So yeah, no dragging it out. Let’s just get on with it.
“However, your case is a bit special. This won’t be your typical godly reincarnation.”
“A ‘typical godly reincarnation’? That’s quite the phrase. What part of that is ‘typical’?”
“You see, you committed far too many sins in your lifetime. As punishment, you’ll be serving as a beta tester to help balance the world for regular dead people.”
“‘Regular dead people’? Seriously?”
Full of contradictions, and yet if you’re used to web novels, nothing particularly strange. The airheaded goddess cleared her throat.
“It’s practically tradition in light novels these days, but I’ve taken to tossing mistakenly-killed people into other worlds as my form of apology. Around 150,000 people die each day, and with over 7 billion people on the planet, choosing who dies today is a logistical nightmare. Doing it without a single mistake is impossible, don’t you think?”
“I mean, yeah.”
“So I mess up pretty regularly. Honestly, going a full day without at least one mistake is probably the rare case. I decided to copy the light novel approach and dump my victims into another world to cover it up. However, I’m quite powerful—like, really powerful—so I can’t actually tell what counts as ‘normal’ strength in those worlds or what qualifies as a cheat.”
“That’s something you should definitely be able to figure out.”
This goddess was already showing signs of being a useless one.
Gods who brag about how strong they are usually turn out to be kind of pathetic. She definitely seemed like one of those.
“Cheats are obvious cheats, aren’t they?”
“Let’s say, for example, someone has the ability to stop time at will just by thinking it. Is that a cheat?”
“Absolutely. No question.”
“Well, in a world I made once, there was a bug character who could move so fast, they could enter the stopped-time world and beat the user to a pulp. They could even attack before the person finished thinking. There were at least a dozen more freaks like that in the same world. In that kind of place, would time-stop still count as a cheat?”
“Nope.”
“Exactly.”
What a terrifying world.
Definitely not a place I want to reincarnate into.
“Which brings us to your job. You’ll be transferred to various worlds to help calibrate strength levels and test balance for future reincarnated heroes. Consider it your punishment for accumulating too much karmic debt.”
“Hold on, I’m pretty sure I’ve never committed any crimes. I’ve never killed anyone or stolen anything.”
“You used to destroy ant colonies by the dozens as a kid, remember?”
“Ah… yeah. I did.”
The goddess’s words left me speechless.
Lots of kids probably flooded ant hills or played cruel games like that. I was one of them—but in my case, I really overdid it.
It wasn’t that I enjoyed it or hated ants.
It was more like… popping zits, pulling hair, or bursting bubble wrap—something that felt necessary to do, without reason. I couldn’t relax until I’d done it.
As I got older, I learned to stop. But by then, I’d destroyed so many ant colonies, I may have wiped them out entirely from my neighborhood.
“So, you’ll start off in the other world at the weakest level possible, and help determine what counts as fair strength.”
“Level 1, huh… Guess I’ll start by grinding low-level monsters outside the town. Say, goddess—don’t those heroes who slaughter slimes and bunnies to level up rack up karma points too?”
“They do. And breaking into houses to loot stuff? That adds even more.”
“So those were sins after all.”
“But usually, saving the world cancels it all out, so they still go to heaven.”
“Heroes have it easy.”
“If they die before saving the world though, they get treated like ordinary criminals.”
“That’s messed up.”
Apparently, good deeds could cancel out bad karma.
Meaning if I go to these other worlds and actually save one, maybe someday I’ll earn my cheat powers and get a proper reincarnation.
That thought got me strangely motivated. What can I say? I’m a simple guy.
“Now then, let’s send you to your first world. But instead of being born and growing up again—which would take way too long—you’ll be transferred rather than reincarnated.”
“So no handsome start-from-birth package, huh?”
“Correct. Please do your best in your current unattractive body.”
“There go all my potential romance flags.”
“Someone who was two years from becoming a wizard really has no room to dream. Now then, off you go!”
I am not a wizard, damn it!!
But my protests were ignored, and with a strange floating sensation, I was off to experience my very first isekai transfer.
When I came to, I found myself in a bustling village full of people.
The clothes, the buildings—all of it screamed template medieval European fantasy RPG. There wasn't a shred of originality to be found.
In fact... I knew this scenery.
Yeah, this is that place—the Cotswolds in England. You know, the famous village where they filmed some of the Harry P●tter movies. A quaint little town that still preserves that medieval vibe.
It ranked high on my personal “Places I want to visit once in my lifetime” list—but why was it recreated as-is in another world?
This goes beyond lazy. I’ve seen light novels casually describe settings with a throwaway line like, “The town looked like something from medieval Europe,” but this? This is literally just “It was the Cotswolds.” Even I’ve never seen this level of half-assed effort.
And what’s worse—there were cars. Actual, modern cars.
This isn’t even plagiarism, it’s straight-up copy-paste. At least remove the cars. They totally clash with the worldbuilding, and even the townspeople were walking past them with “What the hell is that?” expressions on their faces.
But before I could mentally finish roasting the scene, I no longer had the luxury of such thoughts.
My body suddenly collapsed to the ground, pinned down by some invisible force, completely immobilized.
H-Holy crap—so heavy! What is this weight!?
The gravity of this planet bared its fangs at me without mercy, crushing my bones one by one.
And just like that, without taking a single step from my starting point, I was flattened and killed by the gravitational pressure.
Too bad! My adventure ends here!
—Cause of Death #1: Crushed by Gravity.
【Shinin Kuchinashi】
Ostensibly the protagonist of this story.
No special traits to speak of.
As a child, he destroyed ant colonies with the finesse of popping bubble wrap, doing so with such skill that it could be considered professional-level—for no reason at all.
As a result, his karma score went completely off the rails, and now he’s being forced to participate in the goddess’s test play as punishment.
A complete idiot. So idiotic that no matter what happens to him, he never gives up and never learns.
【Goddess of Love and Beauty】
Probably something like the main heroine... maybe. She won’t end up with the protagonist, and there aren’t any flags raised either.
A hopeless goddess who accidentally kills people who weren’t supposed to die at least once a day—and on bad days, as many as ten times.
Loves humans deeply, but her sense of direction when it comes to effort is so off that her good intentions usually result in catastrophic levels of misfortune for others.
A total fool. So foolish that no matter how many times she screws up, she never gives up and never learns.